osblake

2 Days Left

2006-12-08T19:39:00.000Z

And now it's 2 days til I leave the country and I don't know when I'll be coming back and it feels like I'm leaving home though I don't have a home and all I want to do is go home and not have to worry or be thinking these things.

Excerts from my diary

2006-12-08T19:30:00.000Z

20.07.2006

Heart breaking heart ripping heart bleeding as my chest caves in and I start to choke on my own tongue and I can't even finish the sentence that's making me cry. Four little words and I stutter and splutter them into my sleeve. I Miss My Dad.

It was the boats that did it this time. I was looking at a couple of pictures of some rusty old boats on the internet and there I was again without a father. Without My father. My dad.

Everybody's got a dad except me. And when I tell them I don't they look at me like they're trying to imagine but can't and their eyes are full of pity but not half as much as they would be if they knew what it was like.

I feel so incredibly alone and displaced with nowhere to turn and no place to be for nowhere is mine and no place to call home.

Trapped In Structure

2006-12-07T01:27:00.000Z

My words are caught in meter and rhyme
At one it frees at two entwines
My heart to logic form and prose
I start to loathe the moon

53° 19' N; 60° 25' W

2006-11-21T00:33:00.000Z

Mary how I miss you so,
Even now, as the crew hasten to tie down the rigging I sit here in my cabin dreaming of you.

The wind is kicking up a storm darling and I fear the worst.
We are somewhere off the coast of the Americas, though where I do not know, as the rain makes it hard to see the bow of the boat let alone the land beyond.

The fate of this voyage appears sealed beyond measure, and the morale of the crew is all but spent. We ran out of fruit two months ago, the meat lasted a few weeks longer, and the water is running as thin as our blood. Just last night Earnest Rogers, your dear old friend from Corke, was swept overboard and into the reckless night.

How this letter will reach you I do not know, but to not write it would be a crime.

I am now eye-steady with the dark blue depths. I am sure of their muderous intent.
It is too late in the day now for lady luck to guide our way.

No piece of land is worth the tears in your eyes when you hear of my fate at sea.

I am lost and I know it. Mary, I love you.
I wish to god I had only listened when you warned me from this voyage.

I will be yours until the end of time,
O. S. Blake

.

2006-11-16T15:07:00.000Z

Walked past a hooker this morning clutching a can of cider like it was the baby she just aborted
Hackney hasn't changed all that much

FOUR WHITE WALLS

2006-11-14T02:12:00.000Z

If when your lover leaves it leaves you
back where you started, staring into
space or the four white walls with the
same blank face overcome by it all, do you
find yourself thinking of cliffs and boats
sinking or jumping to break your long fall

MY OVERWHELMING LACK OF DESIRE

2006-11-11T18:02:00.001Z

I don't want anything.
I just don't want anything.
I'm so tired of it all
All the tasks it takes to keep me alive
All the feelings I'm supposed to be having
All thoughts for the future -and that is where I lose my nerve
At the thought of these thoughts
Like a plague at my heels
Chasing me the rest of my life.
All I want is to be left in peace
And not have to do it all over again, ever again.

VOID AGAIN

2006-11-10T23:25:00.000Z

I feel as though a crutch has been kicked out from under me;
I am trapped and falling.
When I close my eyes the void opens once again.
Gravitation immense pulling me and breaking me, ripping all love
from my heart and sucking it into the vast black expanse.
I am left to float on after it,
watching as my tenderness and sensitivity get raped and disfigured
til all I can think of is mercy killing my own heart.
Lay me down to rest and let my weary soul free
from the anguish that has beset me.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW.

2006-11-08T00:24:00.000Z

Aha! You say you know what I will say next
But you have me by the foot alone
And without it I will still escape you

BONFIRE NIGHT

2006-11-05T13:18:00.000Z

Celebrations make me sad
A penny for the family I used to have

UNTITLED

2006-11-04T22:49:00.000Z

I wait for the quake that will shake me.
I wait for the wave or the breeze that will break me
I know this flake of a man will forsake me
He never stays around too long.

LA COUTEAU

2006-11-04T22:48:00.000Z

I cut myself with you
To try to stop your pain
I draw you over my soft white skin
In attempt to dull your blade

Your edge is hard as steel
I cut myself again
I try to draw the poison
From your dark and tender vein

My sallow skin is broken
My hands are red and stained
I drop and kneel before you
My life is all but drained

Then I watch as you walk past me
A vision of the sane
For the anguish of your heart
Is a very private pain

ALCOHOL

2006-11-04T22:47:00.002Z

Alcohol is like literary lubrication.
Too much will make you slip your mark
You over zealous man.

SUBMERGED IN WATER

2006-11-04T22:47:00.001Z

I am as though submerged in water.
I don't know which way is up or down,
And I don't know how I would feel about them if I did know which they were.

ADIEU

2006-11-04T22:47:00.000Z

A dim bulb lights an empty room
It flickers and cracks as it fights to stay bright.
It throws the shadows upon the walls
And holds them there 'gainst the waxing night.

And so the shadows bide their time
They wait out the light.
They wait until the old bulb blows
Or the young man bids goodnight.

BROTHER

2006-11-04T22:46:00.000Z

If my interests are different from his
If I fail to see the adventure
If I grow tired by chasing his rainbow
And am wearied by the mental expenditure
Then he fails to hide
His disappointed eyes
And I feel as though I have done him wrong.
I have not lived up to his expectations,
I have failed in being a fascination.
And what is more
I am sure
I must be dull and boring.

3AM

2006-11-04T22:45:00.000Z

Trains of thought
Running like water over earth after rain.
Coursing this way and that
Gathering speed
Then slowing to change direction.

All the while I watch them
Flowing ever on
Towards the sea,
The end that never comes.
And that, I realise, is why I'm not asleep.

MIDGES

2006-11-04T22:43:00.000Z

Go away you midges!
Millions of midges bitching and pitching
All smitching and litching
A witch on you midges!
Billions of smidgeting fidgeting midges
All buzzing around in valleys and ditches
Making me duck and cursing the air!
Cursing the fidgeting smidgeting midgets
Midge as you must
But
Get
Out
From
My
Hair!

SALLY

2006-11-04T22:42:00.000Z

I feel alone
But mostly when I'm with her.
She fills the silence
With a little fake laugh,
Making busy hither and thither.

She'll ask me a question;
A rhetorical void-filler.
And have a giggle already in hand
For any answer I give her.

And then she'll smile from ear to ear
In fear,
Of the sweet deep taste
Of silence.