FOUR WHITE WALLS
If when your lover leaves it leaves you
back where you started, staring into
space or the four white walls with the
same blank face overcome by it all, do you
find yourself thinking of cliffs and boats
sinking or jumping to break your long fall
back where you started, staring into
space or the four white walls with the
same blank face overcome by it all, do you
find yourself thinking of cliffs and boats
sinking or jumping to break your long fall
posted by osblake at 14.11.06
2 Comments:
i like this poem... have you considered removing the , and replacing them with and so as to keep the pace, also perhaps change/remove the word long? so it is like this:
If when your lover leaves it leaves you
Back where you started and staring into
Space or the four white walls with the
Same blank face and overcome by it all do you
Find yourself thinking of cliffs and boats
Sinking or jumping to break your long fall
just a thought, the rythum is very good to it, but breaks in places?
I've removed the capital letters from the beginning of the each line and prefer it, but I think I'll leave the commas in for now.
I'm not happy with the last half of the poem. The first half I like, I like the rhythm of it and the words that rhyme aren't where you'd expect them. But the last half kinda turns into a lymeric, too catchy and the imagery is a little too literal...
Gonna have to think about this one
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